Wait's Law of Plumbing

No two standard parts fit together.

Wait's Law of Classical Music

All classical music compositions can be transitioned, at one or more carefully chosen moments, into the "Mister Ed" theme song.

Wait's Law of Crosswords

The correct answer to a bad clue is always the awful one that you initially rejected.

Cheesy Four-Line Poem

Thro' edam'pest night with wind and brie's
Amber't a muensters' caravane on stilton
The goudamm feta'd stench displease --
Best rennet ye, an' sbrinz wi' yer kilt on!

American Pentathlon

With the London Olympics underway, the time's arrived to send our sportsmen and sportswomen into pitched battle and bring the hardware back to the good ol' U.S. of A.  Now that Baseball and Softball have been swift-kicked out of the Olympics, the better to avoid all that spittin' and cussin', that's at least thirty well-trained athletes, plus a couple of designated hitters, who won't get to hang a shiny, gold object on the moosehead over their fireplace.  As Americans, you and me and Ethel, we desperately need a new sport to dominate so we can once again feel good about our drive-through cheese fries.

We at My Two Innings have considered various possibilities for a new Olympic competition at a recent offsite retreat.  We have brainstormed, conceptualized, and imagineered.  We have used Kaizen techniques and Powerpoint slides.  And flipcharts.  Don't ever forget the flipcharts.  We have come up with ideas and suggestions and thought about them for about eight minutes, tops.  We have tested the final recommendation with our focus group, and she agrees with us.

The new Olympic sport: American Pentathlon.  Five days, five events:

• Day 1: Punt.
• Day 2: Pass.
• Day 3: Kick.
• Day 4: Home Run Derby.
• Day 5: NASCAR.

Brilliant, right?

I hear what you're saying: the stodgy, old-guard Europeans may balk at this innovation.  But never forget, my friends, we have the U.S. Dollar, God, and Liberty on our side.  And the Penske racing team.

I think you'll agree, it's imperative that we get American Pentathlon approved by the IOC as an Olympic sport in time for the 2020 Summer Games.  A strong proposal and a few key bribes should do it.  We can vote in one of their favorite sports at the same time: Rescuing Greece.

It's the least we can do in the Olympic Spirit.

Probably Worth Only a Tweet, Part II

If a motion picture is called a "movie", shouldn't a photograph be called a "stillie"?

I Am So, So Sorry For This

          A second soprano named Betty
          Races camels on the Serengeti.
          When she trills 'top a hump
          At the steeplechase jump --
          It sure beats a plate of spaghetti!

Double Helix

          I went to squash a bug today
          It saw my form and flew away
          Preserving for another day
          Its double helix (DNA)

          I couldn't help but wonder why
          For usually I get my fly
          With stealth, dispatch, and steely eye
          Passed down through the milleni-i

          But on this day my strike was slow
          Or just a bit too high or low
          Thus saving my intended foe
          From crippling force of mighty blow

          The reflexes are not as keen
          As when I was a scrawny teen --
          Or had the bug evolved a gene
          And thus was my appendage seen?

          A thousand generations hence
          Some mutant fly with sharpened sense
          Grows fangs, and then comes back at me
          To snack upon my six-foot-three

          I doubt that I could self-defend
          And thus it's to a sticky end
          And all because upon this day
          It saw my form and flew away

          © 2010 Bob Wait

To Say Nothing of Wade Boggs

Once again, the Idiot Spirit has visited us. The following were my seriously sorry entries in last night's trending meme on Twitter, #MLBnovels (MLB = Major League Baseball):

1. A Confederacy of Bunnings
2. The Guns of Ausmus
3. Lonesome Glove
4. 84, Charing Cross Rhodes
5. I, Lopat
6. The House of the Seven Gaedels
7. D'wight Stuff
8. Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of Wade Boggs)
9. Midnight in the Garden of Gooden Evil
10. How Stella Got Hargrove Back

Granted, the source material behind 2 and 7 was nonfiction rather than fiction, but when the Idiot Spirit speaks, we do not ask questions.

Hundreds of others had, of course, already plumbed the depths of the obvious, as in The Island of Justin Morneau. The rest of us had to dig a little deeper -- go down the Dusty Rhodes not taken, as it were.

This gives me the opportunity to recommend a terrific web site for baseball fans, especially those who can't quite recall the name of the St. Louis Cardinals' shortstop they saw when their Dad took them to a Brooklyn Dodgers game in 1937. I've lost entire afternoons careening around Baseball-Reference.com, and endorse it wholeheartedly for anyone who loves the game more than they remember it.

(By the way, the Cardinals' shortstop for that 1937 game was either Leo Durocher or Frenchy Bordagaray. Answer found in four clicks.)

"He Lived"

The key to this party game is for everyone present to say this two-word tagline earnestly and meaningfully, in his or her best Winston Churchill-on-the-radio-swallowing-the-greasy-roast voice.

Participants of a certain age may find it helpful to summon up the image of the late actor John Houseman, the condescending, faux-fusty Professor Kingsfield from Paper Chase and the stern investor in the old E.F. Hutton television commercials ("They make money the old-fashioned way; they earn it!").

The most outrageous, obscure, or pathetic tale wins, à la The Aristocrats and that "The Most Interesting Man in the World" ad campaign. Shall we give it a go?

"He may have bilked millions of widows and children out of their few meager pennies in order to provide the necessary capital to expand his chain of South American rodent burger franchise restaurants, but...he lived."

"She may have sacrificed her dream of becoming a urological physician's assistant to marry a diseased toad who had bought her two stale beers at a reunion of matchbook trade school graduates, falsely promising her that he was, in fact, the third cousin of a Moluccan prince, but...she lived."

"He may have retired from his promising career as a Triple-A pitcher in the Dodgers organization to produce a new reality show pilot featuring a team of UC-Irvine snail biologists in their attempt to breed a new species variant of sea slugs that, they hypothesize, will better attract bottom-feeding fish unaffected by the Gulf of Mexico oil spill, but...he lived."

Extra points are awarded for true stories about the person on your left.

Earth Day

Every person that you've ever known who is not, at this moment, either in outer space, flying, soaring, jumping, skipping, leaping, vaulting, performing a handspring, diving, falling, or dead is, at this moment, somewhere on the Earth.

Happy Earth Day.

Books in 10 Words or LessxxxxFewer

Herewith, My Two Innings presents brief descriptions of well-known books. Based on the recent Twitter meme, #booksin10wordsorless; elevated in status from mere tweets to a full blog entry.

The grammar cops are correct to insist that we amend the title to "10 words or fewer" from "10 words or less". (I'm holding fast to my revolutionary placement of quotation marks, however).

To business:

1. Ethan Frome: The sled, Ethan, the sled. The sudden deceleration. That's life.

2. Gorky Park: Soviet Union has police detective, too. Like yours but better.

3. Jurassic Park: Prehistoric tse-tse's, manufactured beasties, bovine feasties -- hold onto your keisties!

4. Moneyball: Billy Bean boasts best budget ballplayers.

5. Winnie the Pooh: English child's vivid imagination manifests as blissfully stupid animal friends.

The author reserves the right to add to this list, and will do so whenever the Idiot Spirit moves him.

In Which We List Ten Life-Long Favorites for Which I Must Remember to Thank My Parents, Who Introduced Me To Them

1. A. A. Milne
2. Dr. Seuss
3. The Wizard of Oz
4. Chocolate Jumbles
5. Macoun Apples
6. RPI Hockey
7. Beethoven
8. Scrabble
9. Tom Lehrer
10. Monty Python

Probably Worth Only a Tweet, If That

Question: If you're working on behalf of two people, are you working on bequarter of each one of them?

Eight is Great!

Ever notice what a happy number eight is? It's a snowman! It's an octopus! It's a steal of a deal at only $12,888!

Okay, I'll concede that three's pretty nifty. It's a triangle, a waltz, a religion, a win in tic-tac-toe. Three strikes and you're out; three outs in an inning. Three is Harmon Killebrew's old number, not to mention the number of some guy named Babe.

Five is a tough guy. Nobody who's anybody writes a five without a severe, slicing slash on the top. Five is V for Victory; it's the black bishop on the chessboard. Five is Dave Brubeck cool; five is Joe Dimaggio cool. If Zorro wore a baseball uniform, he'd wear number five.

Six is lazy, a real beast when she gets with her friends. Four's just a square. Seven thinks she's magnificent, magic even, although she's almost past her prime. It's so much friendlier with two, said Pooh.

But eight's the holly jolly one. Eight's a wonderful time to get up in the morning, if you're so lucky, and there's still plenty of time for a walk on a warm evening at eight. Eight lights up all the LCDs on the calculator display; it's full, replete, filled to the rim with Brim. Flip it, rotate it, stand it on it's head; eight's still eight. Eight is its own palindrome. Eight is enough.

Like a newborn, eight's infinitely wonderful when asleep. You get to play in Little League for the first time when you're eight.

The ninth gets all the glory, but the game's all but decided by the bottom of the eighth. Eight's Yaz and Yogi. Who doesn't love Yogi?

This blog post has been brought to you by the number eight.

NHL Tongue-Twisters

So, you want to be an NHL announcer? Say these tongue-twisters, five times fast!

1. Sergei Gonchar shrugs at shoulder surgery.
2. Tkachuk cross-checks Chris Chelios.
3. Flyers freely fear flawless Fleury.
4. Olczyk cites Sharks' sharp skates.
5. Numminen earns more manna than the mininum.
6. Laracque's knuckles rake Roenick's locks.
7. Only Owen Nolan owns Khabibulin.
8. Gretzky jeers Jean-Sebastien Giguerre.
9. Stasny sits: shameless slashing.
10. Red Wings' Zetterberg gets $73 million.

(That last one isn't much of a tongue-twister, but I still can't say it without choking up.)

How to Become a Klingon, in One Easy Lesson

Let's get serious, matey. Talking like a pirate is fine one day a year, with a mug of grog, a fake eyepatch, and a parrot on your shoulder. Pirates get to shout "Ahoy!", sing about rum, and make disagreeable people and revenue agents walk the plank. Everybody loves a pirate. (N.B.: Except Mets fans.)

But you are a True Leader, a Man of Action, a Warrior of Destiny. You have missions to fulfill, battles to fight, galaxies to conquer. You want -- you need -- respect from your shipmates, that sniveling crew, year-round.

And while we're at it, no more freakin' parrots.

You want to be a Klingon.

My friend, you've come to the right place. You don't need to carry a weighty Klingon-English dictionary in your Warrior's satchel, made from the carcasses of your vanquished enemies. It's much easier than that, not to mention tidier.

Simply use the word "Mokkh-Vah" in as many different situations as possible.

In battle:
"Our Leader has the Mokkh-Vah of a Warrior!"

Dealing with the organizational hierarchy:
"You speak lies! I can no longer be part of this Mokkh-Vah!"

At the dinner table:
"Summon the cook. I wish to consume some Mokkh-Vah immediately!"

At the ballpark:
"I have dishonored the team with my performance. I shall now perform ritual Mokkh-Vah!"

On the dance floor:
"I suddenly find your Mokkh-Vah...strangely alluring..."

In bed:
"Do not touch my Mokkh-Vah!"

Using this word, and this word alone, you instantly assume your Klingon identity. In our advanced course, we introduce you to the proper use of Klingon makeup. Apply directly to forehead.

Arms Race

I collected my fourth public library card in Colorado today. This puts me one card ahead of my beloved spousal unit, who has only three and is totally envious that my new Douglas County card has a really cool oval shape.

However, as she reminds me, she has access to the University of Denver's library as an adjunct faculty member; moreover, her campus ID card has a nifty color photo. So it's possible that she has, in fact, pulled into the lead.

Don't you wish the U.S., Russia, and China would compete like this? It's cheaper than missile defense, and they could all chill out with some audio books from the library while waiting for the next intelligence report.

Favorite Cheer Ever

Heard during intermissions of college hockey games in Troy, N.Y.:

          Gimme an R! [R!]
          Gimme an E! [E!]
          Gimme an N! [N!]

(The cheerleaders proceed to spell out "Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute".)

          What's that spell? ['Tuuuuuuute!]

Now that's dedication.

Love You, Honey!

          De Sue-Bee beekeeper needs bee-doo
          Doin' Sue-Bee from bee-doo's his cree-doo
          When de bee-doo be new Sue
          Den he redo de cree-doo
          Den de cree-doo be "Redo de bee-doo!"