How to Become a Klingon, in One Easy Lesson

Let's get serious, matey. Talking like a pirate is fine one day a year, with a mug of grog, a fake eyepatch, and a parrot on your shoulder. Pirates get to shout "Ahoy!", sing about rum, and make disagreeable people and revenue agents walk the plank. Everybody loves a pirate. (N.B.: Except Mets fans.)

But you are a True Leader, a Man of Action, a Warrior of Destiny. You have missions to fulfill, battles to fight, galaxies to conquer. You want -- you need -- respect from your shipmates, that sniveling crew, year-round.

And while we're at it, no more freakin' parrots.

You want to be a Klingon.

My friend, you've come to the right place. You don't need to carry a weighty Klingon-English dictionary in your Warrior's satchel, made from the carcasses of your vanquished enemies. It's much easier than that, not to mention tidier.

Simply use the word "Mokkh-Vah" in as many different situations as possible.

In battle:
"Our Leader has the Mokkh-Vah of a Warrior!"

Dealing with the organizational hierarchy:
"You speak lies! I can no longer be part of this Mokkh-Vah!"

At the dinner table:
"Summon the cook. I wish to consume some Mokkh-Vah immediately!"

At the ballpark:
"I have dishonored the team with my performance. I shall now perform ritual Mokkh-Vah!"

On the dance floor:
"I suddenly find your Mokkh-Vah...strangely alluring..."

In bed:
"Do not touch my Mokkh-Vah!"

Using this word, and this word alone, you instantly assume your Klingon identity. In our advanced course, we introduce you to the proper use of Klingon makeup. Apply directly to forehead.