The Preparation
Step 1: Set beverage
in a safe location.
Step 2: Assume an
attentive posture, either sitting or standing, depending on the game situation.
Step 2a: If
sitting, sit upright and swivel torso slightly in the direction of the batter's
box.
Step 2b: If
standing, face the batter's box, balanced evenly and comfortably over the soles
of both feet in a "ready" position.
The Positioning
[Note: The
following Steps 3 through 9 are performed in rapid succession. Practice until you have achieved a competent
speed and smooth motion.]
Step 3: As Mr.
Overbay leaves the on-deck circle, raise arms above head, as if you are signaling
a touchdown.
Step 4: Flex the
elbows until the fingertips touch.
Step 5: Flex the
elbows further, lowering the point of fingertip contact along the vertical axis
above the head by approximately 3".
Step 6: Pull
elbows back slightly until your arms occupy the same vertical plane as the non-intersected
line segment between your ears.
Step 7: Bend the
wrists slightly to form a rounded, approximately circular arc from each
shoulder to the fingertips.
Step 8: Open mouth
into an "O" shape.
Step 9: Take a
deep breath.
The Catharsis
Step 10: Sing the
poetic word "O" as if it were the first word of the song
"America the Beautiful" being sung after midnight in a fraternity
basement.
Step 11: Hold the "O" as a whole note for eight measures or until you run out of breath, whichever comes first.
Step 11: Hold the "O" as a whole note for eight measures or until you run out of breath, whichever comes first.
Step 12: Repeat
Steps 9 through 11 for the duration of the at-bat or until your neighbors threaten to call the usher, whichever comes first.
The Denouement
Step 13: Lower
arms.
Step 14: If
standing, retake your seat.Step 15: Inform your Beloved Spousal Unit, who did not stand and therefore did not see the play as it transpired, of the outcome of Mr. Overbay's plate appearance so that she may properly enter it in the scorebook.
Step 16: Close
mouth before the flies, gnats, and mosquitos sign a lease and take up residence.
The Epilogue
Step 17: Pick up
beverage.
***
Update: Lyle Overbay was granted a release by the Boston Red Sox on March 26, 2013, making him a free agent. The instructions presented above remain fully applicable and may be transferred to a new team.
***
Same Day Double-Update: Doubles hitter and free agent Lyle Overbay was signed by the New York Yankees on the same day that he was released by the Red Sox, following in the footsteps of former Bostonians Babe Ruth and Johnny Damon. My Two Innings looks forward to posting reports of the echoing "O-O-O" calls, if not actual doubles, careening around the Yankee Stadium monuments.
***
UPDATE: WELCOME BACK TO THE BREWERS! Milwaukee signed Lyle Overbay to a minor league deal, with an invitation to Spring Training, on January 20, 2014! A whole new generation of Brewers fans will require instruction in the basics. "O-O-O-O-OOOOOOO!"
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